Irish Humor, Irish Jokes

Pot Of Jokes

St. Patrick Driving The Snakes Out Of Ireland

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this. Damn! There goesanother one!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on atrain. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbedonce or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than work, isn't it?"

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name andaddress?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:They ran out of scaffolding.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick 'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial ractices?""Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pintsand stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and roceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting"SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

I
Irishman's Letter to the DHSS
After Receiving AIDS Leafletrishman's Letter to the DHSS in respect of receiving AIDS Leaflet

Dear Sir,

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for Aids.

I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have been living on Supplementary Benfit and every other State aid I could get. It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late, as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments.

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids. My only problems here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest, and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the £17.28 paid out for these gadgets ?

Anyway I will now explain her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have, and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by.

You also state that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, thought, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.

I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you ? Perhaps you will write and let me know ?

I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one.

Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments ?

Yours faithfully,
Seamus O'Toole

An Irishman is a guy who:

May not be sure there is a God but is damn sure of the infallability of the Pope

Won't eat meat on Friday but will drink gin for breakfast

Believes everything he can't see and nothing he can

Is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle of the week

Is against abortion but in favor of hanging

Has such great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies

Is irrational in imprtant things, and a tower of strength in the trivial

Gets married for life, but not necessarily for love

Can argue either side of a question, often at the same time

Sees things not as they are, but as they never will be

Believes in Leprechauns and banshees and considers anyone who doesn't to be a heathen

Can lick any man in the house he is sole occupant of

Cries at sad movies but cheers in battle

Considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible,

preferably forever

Hates the English but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen

Gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland

Is not afraid of dying, in fact he might prefer it

Believes that God is Erish or, at least, Catholic

Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood

Is against corruption, unless its a Democrat

Takes the pledge not to drink at the age of twelve and every four years thereafter

Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself

Belives salvation can be achieved by means of a weekly envelope

Considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn

Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it make it so damnably inconvnent for his

neighbors

Considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interupting

Scorns money, but worships those who have it

Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor

The Irish are a very perverse, complex people.

It's what makes then so loveable.

They are banking heavily that God has a sense of humor!

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.

Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.

Q. What's gross ignorance?
A. One hundred and forty-four Irishmen.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A. He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...

Q. Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mt. Everest?
A. They ran out of scaffolding.

Q. But what about the Frenchman and the Irishman who both jumped off the Eiffel Tower?
A. The Frenchman got killed, and the Irishman got lost.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Q. Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
A. It has a 12 month waiting list.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishmen who were asked to be a Jehovah witness ?
A. They refused because they had not seen the accident.

Q. What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?
A. Their tent sank.

Q. How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q. Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A. One less Drunk

Q. Why is the wheelbarrow the world's greatest invention?
A. Because it taught the Irish to walk upright.

Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?
A. A shepherd!

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke,
and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No, I've lost all my luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out."

Two Irishmen making a bomb when 'BOOM', it goes off. "Murphy I've lost my legs" "No you haven't Paddy, you stupid arse! They're over there in the corner!"

O'connor was summoned for killing a dog by running it over with his car. The magistrate asked him how he had missed seeing the dog in the headlights while he was clearly visible with his leg cocked against a tree. O'connor said: " I did so see that, your honour, sir, but at the time I thought he was turning right"

Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five minutes Murphy started to scream up. MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?" MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'"

A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window.The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!!." At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly. He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!." The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby. The crowd cheered wildly. O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof.

Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

In the latter days of WWII, three soldiers were brought to a temporary Axis POW camp. The three were French, British and Irish. A quartermaster lackey was asking them how much underwear they needed for their stay. "Four," said the Briton. "Why four?" asked the Q.L. "Why, one for each week of the bloody month," the BPOW replied. The Frenchman was asked how many. "Seven," he replied. "One for each day of the week." The Q.L. looked at the Irishman, who replied "Twelve." Three pairs of eyebrows went up. The Irishman explained, "One for January, one for February...."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling,

SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father." "No." "Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No." "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No." "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven." When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

This Irish guy shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, "hey, pal, I don't mind bringing one at a time, then they'll be fresh and cold." "Nah... ahm preferrin' that ya bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink this way to each other's honor." "Well," says the bartender, "that's a damn good sentimental thing to do. I'll bring the pints as you ask." Well, time goes on and the Irishman's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A bunch of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, "Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?" The Irishman looks extremely puzzled for a moment. When the light comes on in his head, he starts laughing. "No, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent."

Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with a assortment of Human Skulls. "What are you doing?" asked the American. "Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's Correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!"

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk at the wake.

An Irishman finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of ale."A mug of ale appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Irishman is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes?" The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!"

Paddy and Mick got themselves a job at a saw mill, when Mick yelled out: "Paddy I've lost my finger." "How did ya' do that?" "I just touched this big spinning thing like thi...DAMN, there goes another one!"

Mick and Paddy where walking past a pub that had been destroyed by an IRA bomb and just as they passed a head rolled out at them. Mick held it up and said:" Is that Sean? Paddy said: "Na', Sean was taller than that."

Hear about the Irish couple on their wedding night?
Sat up all night waiting for their sexual relations.

Two Irish farmers over a fence... 1st Farmer: My horse is sick. 2nd Farmer: Mine was sick too, so I gave it kerosene. 1st Farmer: Kerosene, eh? I ll try it. Later on... 1st Farmer: Gave my horse kerosene. Killed it. 2nd Farmer: Yeah. Killed mine too.

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of forty?
Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

Where does an Irishman go on vacation?
To a different bar.

"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of a police station. "An Irishman molested me!" "How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the sergeant at the desk. "I had to help him," she gasped.